It's been a while.

So It has been a while since I actually blogged about something, I know I should have but I have been neglecting doing it. So let's get up to speed. I finally got a job and what a stress reliever, not having a job was really bothering me for a while. At first it didn't bother me at all, but that's because I was expecting to collect unemployment but when that didn't happen that's when the stress started to set in big time. I started to worry about everything, most of all I was worried about getting kicked out of this apartment. If we leave I want it to be because of our own free will. 

So of course I hate my job and the fact I am away from Serena all day. I have gotten so used to being with her 24/7 it really sucks and I hate it. So my job is construction again, like what I used to do and what I really hate doing but it brings in income and we are in dire need of that. But you better believe as soon as I get an offer for something else I am jumping on it in a heart beat, well as long as I make just as much money or more than I am now. It would be great to win the lotto than I would be able to spend all my time with my wife (yes I know she is not yet, but it's only 3 more weeks) and the kids.

So on to the wedding. I am so fucking excited I still can't believe it is actually going to happen. Everytime I think about it I get so happy. I know I am going to cry while standing up there, and I know if I start crying she is going to start crying. I know I have been "legally" married before but to me it never happend. I didn't have anyone at the wedding, only me her and her ex husbands mom. We never lived together, never planned for it, we just went to the courthouse and did it. I wish it never happend, but that's in the past and no reason to dwell on it now. I am getting married in 3 weeks, oh happy day. 

So on to the reason I am up so fricking early. I hate dreams. I am one to hardly ever remember my dreams. But I woke up from a real bad one this morning. It was a little weird but still it was one of those that were so real it sucked. I don't remember a lot of it so what little I do remember won't make sense. I don't remember where I was at but I was driving somewhere and I pulled over on the side of the road for some reason and this girl came over to the window and for some reason told Serena she was pregnant with my child, of course we got into a big argument because she believed her even though it was untrue but she didn't believe me. Well then all I remember is her telling me it's over and the wedding is off and the part that brought me out of my slumber was her taking a knife and yelling at me that getting this tattoo was the dumbest thing I have ever done while she cut off her arm...told you it didn't make sense but it woke me up and I haven't more so can't go back to sleep since. It was a very disturbing dream, and not to sound to mean but the fact she chopped off her arm isn't what is bothering me now, it's that fact that she said the wedding was off. That part of the dream is what sucked the most. 

So let's see what else, well the kids. We won't have any kids for another week, I miss them and I can't wait till next weekend. I really want the summer to be over so Fiona and Caitlyn can come home. 

I really want to find a new place to live, desperatly. For one the rent in this place is going up again come August  the neighbor hood has gone to crap and most importantly I told my wife I would find us a new place. We still want to live in Colonial Beach, well I know I still do and I am sure Serena does also, it's so fricking peacful there. But right now any place other than this apartment would do. I want a house or even a nice size trailer with a yard for the kids. I can only imagine what it's like for them to not be able to play outside, I was always able to play outside when I was younger.

I also want people to know that I have the most awesome woman in the world. She has planned this wedding in the span of what two, three months...I know it has been real stressfull for her, and I am doing everything I can to help, I don't want to unleash Bridezilla on an unexpecting Tokyo (me being Tokyo btw) LOL. I love everything she is doing for the wedding, I know there have been times when it seemed like I wasn't participateing in the process but I had other things on my mind. Which is why I am writing this long ass blog. I vowed to you I would write or talk if stuff started bothering me so seeing how you are sleeping right now (funny how things reverse themselves sometimes) I decided to write to get it out.

Another thing that has been on my mind of late is a little bit of jealousy. No not being jealous of another man, or of people in general but things they are doing. I am talking about your bachlorette party and the things your friends are doing for it. I know we talked about it today and things have changed but I still want to get it out and write it down. I am jealous of your friends right now for being so awesome. Not saying my friends are not awesome but I just feel like nobody cared about me to just plan one. It really hurt my feelings and just made me real jealous of your friends and how much they care about you enough to do things for you. 

21 days 10 hrs 47 mins as I write this...I can't wait. 

Also been thinking of my real dad. I really hope he comes like he said he is. More so not for me but so my wife and kids can meet him. I really want them to meet him and I think if he dosen't come than they probably never will. He is getting up there in age and it's not like we can afford to fly out to California to visit. 

I really wish Serena's mom would come to. I would like to meet her myself and I know it is real important to her that her mom was there. I hate seeing her get dissapointed like that.

Well I do believe I have coverd everything, but I am sure there are some things I forgot about. I am going to attempt to go back to sleep but if not I think I will just try and snuggle with my wife, without waking her up...and I do mean snuggle :-)

My Life in a nutshell...

So after thinking a lot about thing's when I was a child. I have come to the vague understanding that I need info on a lot of things. I tried to have my older sister over for dinner last week but for some reason I don't think she rememberd we invited her. I want to talk to her about my life as a child and gain some clarity. Just so you can understand why I need clarity it's because I can not remember anything about my childhood except for bits and pieces. I am going to call that time in my life B.C (before Chris) he is my step-Dad and I do consider him my father because he has been there for me, I do love my real dad don't get me wrong but my Step-Dad is the one who raised me with my mom.

My life B.C is very vague to me, now there have been times when I think I remember stuff and I think it happend after B.C but I came to find out it didn't. I am seriously considering hypnotic therapy because I want to know. I am going to go into a little detail about what I remember of my life and some may be B.C and some may not, like I said I can not place times, dates, or even how old I was and it really bothers me. Also things are gonna seem jumbled a bit and it might confuse you but bare with me on this...because that's how I feel.

I remember living in a trailer park with my mom and older sister, haveing a big St. Bernard named blue who all I remember about that dog is seeing him dead by hanging himself on the fence. I remember my mom's car and me rideing on the front seat, no seat belt and actually standing up on the front seat (it was the early seventies) I have seen pics of me in my mom's wedding with my two sisters dad and I don't remember being there. I remember watching speed racer and kimba the lion on t.v in the living room and that is the only memory of living in that trailer I have. We moved to a house in Spring Valley and I don't even remember moveing. I made some real good friends there and I can't remember how and when I meet them. 

I remember parties at the house with people drinking and playing games at the kitchen table. I remember sitting in my mom's room watching t.v and some guy was passed out on the floor next to me until he woke up and puked right next to me, and I remember it looking like Tuna fish. I remember one time my room getting used for two people to have sex in, at the time I didn't know they were doing it but I do now and that just is disturbing to let two people have sex in your kids room. I remember the first time I got drunk I think I was 10 or 11 and my dad's softball team won the championship everyone was celebrateing and I ended up drinking a lot of wine or champagne can't remember exactly but then when we got home my two best friends came over and I started to show off and went and got a beer out of the fridge and started drinking it with no one saying anything to me I even thought I broke the new G.I. Joe bike that one of them had. I even remember the first time I got high off of weed, I believe I was between 7 and 9, my older sister made me because she didn't want me to tell on her.

Some other things I remember are very disturbing to me and I apologize to you if you read it and it brings up bad memories. I remember my sister (not saying wich one) being molested. There was this old dude named Casper who used to come over a lot when I was young, I knew he was a pervert he would drive a big old caddy or something like that and his back seat was always full of junk. I remember seeing a blow up doll, not in the package mind you but blown up in his back seat. But this memory haunts me to this day and I feel like crap for not doing anything to stop him or not saying anything to anyone about it. I was walking out of my room to go outside or something and I look in the bathroom and there he is with my sister both of them completly nude, and he was rubbing his penis on her vagina and he looked right at me at stared at me while he was doing it. After that my memory is blank. I have only told one person about that and never talked to anyone except my woman about it. Explains why I feel like I need to protect the people I am with. I also remember saving my little sister from drowing one time. I was standing by our pool and talking with my friends when I look down in the pool and see my baby sister underwater trying to swim, I don't know how long she was under there for but I immediatly jump in and pull her out. 

Now please understand all I am doing is putting my thoughts on paper so to speak. I need to have people read this and hopefully they can talk with me and help me fill in the blanks. That is why I wanted to talk with my older sister because she would remember a lot more than my younger sisters, I would talk with my mom about it but I feel like she won't talk with me about things in the past. My reason is I tried to talk to her about what happend with her and my real dad but she wouldn't tell me exactly what happend. I know that she left him after she found out he was still married and had other kids, hell I even tried to talk to my real dad about it when he was here years ago but he would'nt even tell me anything except how much he missed my mom and how wonderful she was. I found out two years ago what happend from my brother, he told me that my mom found out by looking through my dad's stuff and he got real pissed and beat the crap out of her for going through his stuff. 

Other things I remember is growing up B.C with all of these foster kids. Only a few stand out in my memory actually two and one is because there is a pic of me on some dude's shoulders and I can't remember who I asked but they told me it was one of the foster kids, the other is some chic and all I remember about her is sitting in her room on her bed when my older sister was talking to her while she was sitting at her vanity brushing her hair topless and of course stairing at her breasts in the mirror. Apparently my mom and my sisters dad had lots of foster kids, I don't remember any of them. I also remember growing up and useing my sisters last name I think in K and first grade. Not sure when I started useing my real last name. 

I hope your bareing with me on this, as I type stuff is comeing up that I need to put down and I am sure that when I post this I will remember more stuff. 

Now to also explain my memory blockage of my childhood there was one time I was young and it was B.C  my sisters dad was giving me a bath and it was time to rinse my hair, so being a little kid I was going to put my head under the water to rinse it off, he wanted me to put it under the bath faucet which at the time I was scared to put my head under there, I remember telling him I didn't want to at which he grabbed me by my neck and forced my head under the faucet, I can't remember anything after that but apparently according to my mom she grabbed his gun and fired shots at him (he is a cop btw) now you tell me if you would remember a gun being fired...I sure as hell didn't. I do remember the next day talking with someone I used to play with down the street and she asked me what that was around my neck...yes he grabbed me so hard it left a hand print around my neck.

Okay so when and if I remember any more I will post them in another post, as for now I am going to stop because I can't do this anymore...I am actually thinking about it and I don't know if I want to know what I have blocked out...I will admit I am scared to find out, but I need to know.

The Day We Met.

Okay for those who don't know the story I am gonna tell it in my own words...and being a man I am sure I will get somethings wrong.

I went to my mom's house to borrow money because I needed a broom to sweep my floors. So with money in hand I decided to go to Target to purchess said broom. While there like always I had to go look at the action fiqures(aka toy's) and when I walked around the cornor headed to the movies there she was standing there with her daughter and I intentionally slowed my pace to overhear her conversation and I remember her telling her daughter "Yes you can get Freddy so you can watch it at your dad's house this weekend." Well my first thought was OMG she is single parent like me and she won't have her kid the same weekend as me. I was thinking this as I was checking out her magnificant ass. Well I proceded to the real movie section. The section she was at was were the $5.50 movies are located. Well after looking through the video games first I came around the corner and there she was looking at the movies her daughter was running around the isle's so I stood there trying to think of something smooth to say and out came "There a handfull aren't they" talking about her daughter. Her reply was "You want her you can keep her" of course later that day I had the perfect reply which I should of responded with "Only if you come with her". So I proceeded to locate the brooms and as I was trying to find the cheapest one I glanced over by the CD's that you can listen to you know the relaxing one's that have demo's and there she was. Well after I left the store I started walking to my car and as I was getting in I noticed her looking around the parking lot like she was looking for me so I hurried up and drove that way. I passed her and I politely waved and she waved back. I then drove on as she followd me and I thought "Is she following me?" so as I drove I decided to pull into Best Buy to see if she followed, nothing. So to buy time I went in played a demo game and left. I pulled out to head to the babysitter's and saw her across the street pulling out also. I pulled up to the light and kept looking in my mirror checking her out. She was talking on the phone and as I pulled away I thought to myself Damn why didn't you talk to her now you will never see her agian. All I did the next day was tell people about it. So then the next day my sister calls and needs to go to Wal-Mart to get a vacume so I take her and of course I head to the "Action Fiqure's" and my heart lept. I see her walk around the corner and so I say "Hey I know you" she hands me a piece of paper and it's her name and number. Of course me being an idiot ask's her "How do you pronounce your name?" and she respond's "Serena".  And that was one of the best moment's in my life. I love you baby and I alway's will.

Standing on the Rooftop!!!!!!

So if you have been following my blog's this past hellish month a lot of shit has happened that put me in such a funk. You know that my woman of three years left me, for what I assumed for another man. That was untrue, and I don't care what you are saying right now I believe her. Yes she had blog's up that said certain things but don't always believe what you read. It was meant for me to read and get upset about. Just like some of the things I was putting in my Facebook and MySpace headings, yes I did try and get hooked up and I tried to hook my self up but the truth was I wanted her to see that to make her jealous. I never wanted to be with those women that way, I did meet some very nice people though. So Just in case you haven't already guessed but we have been back together since last Tuesday. 

I have never been happier in my life than I am right now. The title of my blog is because when the time was right I was going to the highest rooftop and shouting out to the world..."I Love Serena Jones and I want everyone to know it." There are some people that will find out and I am sure already know and are pretty much done with me because of this, well to them I say It's my life and if you can't be happy for me being happy then that's all you. God brought us together and he means for us to stay together. We can not be apart from each other. When we are it kills both of us. This past month has been hell for us. Did I try and date other women, yes. Did I do it to try and forget about her, yes. Did she hook up with dude, yes. Did she do it to forget about me, yes. So it is what it is and it is in the past. I mean technically we were not together so it was not cheating (even though it felt like it) and it's not like I didn't cheat on her with my ex in the beginning for 5 months. It was only twice and it didn't mean anything to her and I beleive her. 

What it comes down to is what happend, happend and neither one of us can reverse time and make it not happen. If we could we would. If you can't deal with me being with her then that is your choice, just like it is MY choice to be with her. You can bitch and moan about oh she is going to do it again, how can you trust what she say's, what about the girls, well you know what my life is not a Democracy and nobody gets a vote. What matters is that I love her and I believe everything she says.

This is just me putting it out there for everyone to know regardless of how you are going to react and I know how three people are going to react and I just want to say thank you for not reacting the way the other two did, I appriciate that. 

Just to end on an off topic note...I got fired last Wednesday.

So standing on my rooftop shouting from the top of my lungs...I FUCKING LOVE YOU SERENA AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW IT. I DON'T CARE THAT WHO KNOWS IT.

I don't want to hear it!!!!!!

So I have been on the lookout for the future ex Mrs. McGregor. Been going okay I guess. Had my sisters introduce me to a few people, but don't think it will work out. It's not that they were'nt interesting or anything it's just I CAN'T FUCKING GET MY MIND OFF OF HER!!!!!!!!!

I am miserable I do nothing but think about her all the time and I hate it. She destroyed me, I gave her my heart and she ripped it out and stomped all over it. I have never in my life had love for a woman like I do for her. I am serious. Like I said I admit I fucked up more so than normal but I learn from my lessons. Even sitting right here typing all of this I am thinking about her and him and I just get so enraged. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and look over next to me and see her laying there in the bed. I think about it and I can't believe that it's actually over. 

I will meet someone and they will help me get my mind off of her and whoever this person is will be the happiest person in the world because like I said I learn from my mistakes and I absolutely will not make the same mistake I made with her.  I believe things happen for a reason and maybe her leaving was for me to find the one person who is right for me. 

I have said it many times before, yes I am still so very much in love with her, I miss her and her daughter like you wouldn't believe, hell if she came knocking on my door right now wanting to come back as much as it would piss a lot of people off mostly my family I would take her back, but that would never happen. One I don't believe that she would ever come back to me, and two it would just end up like this again and my heart can't take that. 

So for some odd reason if you are reading this and everyone knows who I am talking to, just know that I don't care what you did I still Love you more than you could ever know and you are going to be in my heart for ever. You did great by the kids and I will always remember and try to do what you did for them. 

So it's like my title says I don't want to hear it, I know what your going to say and just know that you all have nothing to worrie about. As much as I would love to have her back in my life I can't do that to the girls. I know I have been a real jerk to her by posting what I post on my MySpace and Facebook headings, but I do mean those things still. Even after what I just typed about loveing her and taking her back and all that stuff I still know that it could never be. 

I am glad that they got to talk to Carmen the other day. I still want them to see and talk to each other. Her and Fiona are BFF's and Tater still tells people she has two sisters. I can only imagine how Carmen is taking being away from the girls.

Well I feel somewhat better now that I got some of it out. I am off in a couple of hours to possibly meet my future ex-girlfriend...(jokeing) but I do have a "date" tonight hope it goes well. 

Ok so until next time...

Better off without her...

So I deleted my previous post, no reason to have it up anymore since it never mattered anyway. So to give an update you all know that the woman I love left me about three weeks ago. I am not taking back what I said before I know I neglected her by not spending as much time as I should have but if she claimed to love me as much as she did we would of worked it out. But just so everyone knows it was for another man. I was lied to by someone who was constantly disciplining Fiona for lying and who went to jail for lying and claimed to hate lying...what a hypocrite.

Because I trusted her more than I have ever trusted another woman I got burned. She was going to visit friends over in VA which I really didn't care, I was happy because she was finally getting out of the house and doing stuff, which she never did because she would always say she didn't want to. But for some reason every time she went over to visit, this dude would always show up to hang out. I never once said anything because I trusted her guess my feelings were right. Now if it were the me of five years ago, you better believe this dude would be lying in a hospital right now but to tell the truth I feel sorry for him. Now he has to put up with her trying to control how things are done and her Bi-Polar disorder and her drama causing self. 

What gets me is time and time again it would go like this...me "I love you" her "I love you more" me "nope I love you more" her "you just don't realize how much I love you". You get the picture. I was always told I was her rock, her personal Jesus, her life would end if I ever left. Now it's I am so afraid of you, bullshit she just's needs excuses on why she left to make herself feel better. She also claimed that I treated her daughter like crap, that I always picked on her and was mean and I thought about it a lot and even talked to my roomate and he said he never saw anything to that extent. Now the same shit she was saying to me and about me three weeks earlier she is now saying about him...whatever.

I know me and the girls are better off without her in our lives, even though right now Fiona and Tater both miss her and Carmen like crazy but it is slowly changeing. Tater is now refering to her by her name and not Mommy anymore, I have been working on that this past week. The house is clean, the kids are doing great. I had to relocate Fiona to another school, which I really didn't want to do but under the circumstances I had no choice. She is taking it better than I thought, I even made little note cards for her with contact info for her to give to all her friends. She is really excited for some reason to ride the bus.

So also to let everyone know I had even thought of leaving her before but was always afraid to. After she left the first time and took a lot of stuff that was not her's and I had to leave my apartment in the middle of the night just so she could get her stuff, I did not want that to happen again. I spent ten days in jail for a mistake I made, and I learned my lesson never going to happen again. She is shady and I don't trust her, even right now I am afraid she is going to try and do something to get me in trouble. There is a protective order against me for one year and like I told the Judge, which I am sure is why he put it through, I have no desire to ever see her again in my life. But I know her and she is conniving so I am always expecting something from her. 

The only people I feel sorry for right now are the kids. Fiona, Carmen, and Caitlyn for the past three years they were sisters, and best friends. Like me they believed we were going to be a family forever. I honestly belevied we were getting married this year, thank god I didn't. I know how Fiona and Caitlyn are taking it bad, they really miss Carmen. I just hope that she didn't tell her dad any lies about me I really would like to talk to him to see if they can still go over and play with her every now and then. I don't want them to lose touch. I just don't want them to see her ever again, and not to be an ass to hurt her but to protect them from her. Don't get me wrong it's not that she was a horrible mom to them, hell she did one hell of a job for the past three years but if they saw her then it would be hard to get them to stop calling her mommy and looking at her like that. I can't have them calling her that when we are not and never going to be together again. It's just not right. 

I just want to make it clear that yes I do still love her, and care about her, and miss her more than words can say but like they say time heals all and I am healing up real nice. 

Well I have said enough right now so there will be more to come. Feels good to get this all out.