My Life in a nutshell...

So after thinking a lot about thing's when I was a child. I have come to the vague understanding that I need info on a lot of things. I tried to have my older sister over for dinner last week but for some reason I don't think she rememberd we invited her. I want to talk to her about my life as a child and gain some clarity. Just so you can understand why I need clarity it's because I can not remember anything about my childhood except for bits and pieces. I am going to call that time in my life B.C (before Chris) he is my step-Dad and I do consider him my father because he has been there for me, I do love my real dad don't get me wrong but my Step-Dad is the one who raised me with my mom.

My life B.C is very vague to me, now there have been times when I think I remember stuff and I think it happend after B.C but I came to find out it didn't. I am seriously considering hypnotic therapy because I want to know. I am going to go into a little detail about what I remember of my life and some may be B.C and some may not, like I said I can not place times, dates, or even how old I was and it really bothers me. Also things are gonna seem jumbled a bit and it might confuse you but bare with me on this...because that's how I feel.

I remember living in a trailer park with my mom and older sister, haveing a big St. Bernard named blue who all I remember about that dog is seeing him dead by hanging himself on the fence. I remember my mom's car and me rideing on the front seat, no seat belt and actually standing up on the front seat (it was the early seventies) I have seen pics of me in my mom's wedding with my two sisters dad and I don't remember being there. I remember watching speed racer and kimba the lion on t.v in the living room and that is the only memory of living in that trailer I have. We moved to a house in Spring Valley and I don't even remember moveing. I made some real good friends there and I can't remember how and when I meet them. 

I remember parties at the house with people drinking and playing games at the kitchen table. I remember sitting in my mom's room watching t.v and some guy was passed out on the floor next to me until he woke up and puked right next to me, and I remember it looking like Tuna fish. I remember one time my room getting used for two people to have sex in, at the time I didn't know they were doing it but I do now and that just is disturbing to let two people have sex in your kids room. I remember the first time I got drunk I think I was 10 or 11 and my dad's softball team won the championship everyone was celebrateing and I ended up drinking a lot of wine or champagne can't remember exactly but then when we got home my two best friends came over and I started to show off and went and got a beer out of the fridge and started drinking it with no one saying anything to me I even thought I broke the new G.I. Joe bike that one of them had. I even remember the first time I got high off of weed, I believe I was between 7 and 9, my older sister made me because she didn't want me to tell on her.

Some other things I remember are very disturbing to me and I apologize to you if you read it and it brings up bad memories. I remember my sister (not saying wich one) being molested. There was this old dude named Casper who used to come over a lot when I was young, I knew he was a pervert he would drive a big old caddy or something like that and his back seat was always full of junk. I remember seeing a blow up doll, not in the package mind you but blown up in his back seat. But this memory haunts me to this day and I feel like crap for not doing anything to stop him or not saying anything to anyone about it. I was walking out of my room to go outside or something and I look in the bathroom and there he is with my sister both of them completly nude, and he was rubbing his penis on her vagina and he looked right at me at stared at me while he was doing it. After that my memory is blank. I have only told one person about that and never talked to anyone except my woman about it. Explains why I feel like I need to protect the people I am with. I also remember saving my little sister from drowing one time. I was standing by our pool and talking with my friends when I look down in the pool and see my baby sister underwater trying to swim, I don't know how long she was under there for but I immediatly jump in and pull her out. 

Now please understand all I am doing is putting my thoughts on paper so to speak. I need to have people read this and hopefully they can talk with me and help me fill in the blanks. That is why I wanted to talk with my older sister because she would remember a lot more than my younger sisters, I would talk with my mom about it but I feel like she won't talk with me about things in the past. My reason is I tried to talk to her about what happend with her and my real dad but she wouldn't tell me exactly what happend. I know that she left him after she found out he was still married and had other kids, hell I even tried to talk to my real dad about it when he was here years ago but he would'nt even tell me anything except how much he missed my mom and how wonderful she was. I found out two years ago what happend from my brother, he told me that my mom found out by looking through my dad's stuff and he got real pissed and beat the crap out of her for going through his stuff. 

Other things I remember is growing up B.C with all of these foster kids. Only a few stand out in my memory actually two and one is because there is a pic of me on some dude's shoulders and I can't remember who I asked but they told me it was one of the foster kids, the other is some chic and all I remember about her is sitting in her room on her bed when my older sister was talking to her while she was sitting at her vanity brushing her hair topless and of course stairing at her breasts in the mirror. Apparently my mom and my sisters dad had lots of foster kids, I don't remember any of them. I also remember growing up and useing my sisters last name I think in K and first grade. Not sure when I started useing my real last name. 

I hope your bareing with me on this, as I type stuff is comeing up that I need to put down and I am sure that when I post this I will remember more stuff. 

Now to also explain my memory blockage of my childhood there was one time I was young and it was B.C  my sisters dad was giving me a bath and it was time to rinse my hair, so being a little kid I was going to put my head under the water to rinse it off, he wanted me to put it under the bath faucet which at the time I was scared to put my head under there, I remember telling him I didn't want to at which he grabbed me by my neck and forced my head under the faucet, I can't remember anything after that but apparently according to my mom she grabbed his gun and fired shots at him (he is a cop btw) now you tell me if you would remember a gun being fired...I sure as hell didn't. I do remember the next day talking with someone I used to play with down the street and she asked me what that was around my neck...yes he grabbed me so hard it left a hand print around my neck.

Okay so when and if I remember any more I will post them in another post, as for now I am going to stop because I can't do this anymore...I am actually thinking about it and I don't know if I want to know what I have blocked out...I will admit I am scared to find out, but I need to know.